The Truth About Chuck Norris!

Sur le même thème que "The Truth About Chuck Norris!"

Read These Now or Chuck Norris Will Destroy Oprah

It's Tuesday! Since it is Tuesday that means a day of endless primaries, pundits, polls, and movie allusions by Chris Matthews on the teevee. Anyone started drinking yet? (NY) (WP) (LA) (Guardian) (Reuters) The Supreme Court may rethink fuck and shit and broadcast indecency. I did not realize that such words CAN be used after 10 pm, but broadcasters prefer to ban them. (LA) A wiretap compromise is in the works by the House and the Senate. Compromises are nice. But, caving to the stubborn president under the guise of compromise isn't. (WP) Chuck Norris must stop Oprah's spiritual self-help of "half truths and half fabrications." His Bible quotin' trumps ALL! (WND) Bush's new hobby. Enslaved bacteria may be the power source of the future. Researchers at the University of Minnesota studying bacteria capable of generating electricity have discovered that riboflavin (commonly known as vitamin B. [lien] [EN]

Geniuses Mike Huckabee and Chuck Norris Compare Depression Conspiracies [Fox News]

Don't be a sucker. Those complicated, long-winded explanations of the worldwide financial crisis are just a lot of big city hokum. Fortunately, your good buddies Mike Huckabee and Chuck Norris are here to set the record straight: It's a dark, shadowy conspiracy between the fat cats on Wall Street, the elitists in Washington, and the nefarious Red Chinese who are secretly stealing our oil off the Florida coast! Huffpo's Rachel Sklar learned the awful truth from Huckabee's new talk show on Fox last night. Huckabee's got a "friend" who tells him this whole mess is the result of "financial terrorism": "Just today, a friend of mine in the financial markets indicated that he's been doing a careful analysis of the last 12 days, and there seems to be a manipulation of the marketplace . [lien] [EN]

Chuck Norris goes with Huckabee out of fear McCain will die in office

Chuck Norris, star of stage and screed, has said the main reason he decided to have he and his beard support Mike Huckabee for the GOP Presidential nomination was out of fear that John McCain would die in office if elected. "If John (McCain) takes over the presidency at 72 and he ages 3-to-1, how old will he be in four years? Eighty-four years old — and can he handle that kind of pressure in that job?" Norris said. "That's why I didn't pick John to support, because I'm just afraid the vice president will wind up taking over his job within that four-year presidency." The pronouncement comes as a shock to many, as most believed that Norris supports Huckabee due to the fact that both are religious fanatics hellbent on making the U.S. a radical Christian theocracy. [lien] [EN]

John McCain vs. Chuck Norris

Oh please let Chuck Norris continue to continue to criticize John McCain! When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he pushes the earth down, but when John McCain does a pushup it hurts horribly because he was tortured as a POW. When John McCain uses exercise equipment, he is exercising, not shilling some crappy product, like Chuck Norris. Underneath John McCain’s wrinkles there is actual experience of the world, not like Chuck Norris. When John McCain is a hero in a war, he’s a hero, not a D-rate actor profiting by merchandising violent, adolescent fantasies about war. John McCain tells jokes, but he is not himself a joke, unlike Chuck Norris. I’m not going to vote for John McCain but not because of his age or his character. [lien] [EN]

Chuck Norris Boycott To Disrupt Global Markets [Ways People Spend Their Time]

Because of c-list movie star and Internet urban legend Chuck Norris, Mike Huckabee won the Iowa Republican Caucus and still has some vague shot at becoming President of the United States of America.... [lien] [EN]

Finding Chuck Norris on Google

If you’re not tired of the Chuck Norris thingy, go to Google and type in "find Chuck Norris," then click the "I’m Feeling Lucky" button. Via Locust & Honey [lien] [EN]

Chuck Norris Was Just Here [War]

The new "Kilroy was here" tag among U.S. troops involves Chuck Norris, Reuters reports. He's become something of a folk hero: "A small cardboard shrine is dedicated to Norris at a U.S. military helicopter hub in Baghdad, and comments lauding the manliness and virility of the actor have been left on toilet walls across Iraq and even in neighboring Kuwait." One tag reads, "Chuck Norris divides by zero." Well, it's literally a hellish war zone over there, so whatever keeps you sane (and pups safe), you know? [Reuters] [lien] [EN]

Happy Birthday Chuck Norris [Holidays]

Some babies are born head first....others feet first...but only one was born beard first. 68 years ago today in Oklahoma a legend was born. Carlos Ray Norris was once a shy, non-athletic boy, who was often tormented by his classmates for his mixed native-American heritage, but he used his lust for revenge to help him become the most powerful being on the face of the earth. As an Air Policeman (I'd assume sans plane, just flying round and arresting people) in the US Air Force he would earn the nickname Chuck and started studying the martial arts so hard that he had to create his own - Chun Kuk Do - because nothing else was good enough. Actor, ass kicker, inventor of the roundhouse kick, and star of the Atari 2600 game Chuck Norris Superkicks, without Chuck's influence the video game industry would just be a bunch of cutesy pet sims. [lien] [EN]

Chuck Norris Is Your New Godhead [Wwcnd]

As they enter year six of John McCain's thousand-year battle for Mesopotamia, American and Iraqi troops have wearied of worshiping the same old "Jesus" and "Allah." They're in the mood for something new...different...mustachioed! And fortunately, one cult figure is fresh off the Biggest Republican Loser campaign trail and ready for duty. Onetime presidential candidate Mike Huckabee delivered on his hard-earned evangelical credentials when he exported his cult of Chuck Norris to vulnerable overseas troops. Our brave young men and women, seeking solace in the hellish Crescent of Doom, now erect weird cardboard shrines to the action figure and chant paeans to his name. "The fastest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist," reads one message at the shrine. [lien] [EN]

Teenagers Trying To Kill Chuck Norris! [Death]

Karate movie star Chuck Norris, Mike Huckabee's most effective supporter in his useless presidential campaign, is the target of terrible teenage violence in New Jersey: "Just as I was turning away (again) in disgust from America's awry juvenile daily news, I found myself a constituent of it, when two New Jersey teens were arrested after a teacher found a 'hit list' that contained my name." Someone needs to save him before the rascals pour Mountain Dew on his straw-man effigy and burn it with Xbox Fire! [World Net Daily] [lien] [EN]

'The Chuck Norris Factor,' and Other Weaknesses in Wesley Snipes's Defense [Defamer Law School]

The 24 hours since Wesley Snipes's three-year prison sentence for tax evasion have allowed for some perspective-gathering among the crack legal analysts at Defamer HQ. Sifting through the wreckage, we think we've discovered the key weak spots in the Snipes defense that, if only someone had acted sooner, could have kept our 18th (19th?) favorite action star a free man. Don't let this happen to you; follow the jump for a glimpse at the Chuck Norris factor and other Achilles' heels in Snipes's strategy. 1. Chuck Norris didn't care enough. We already know that Denzel Washington and Woody Harrelson did their parts to reinforce Snipes's character as zero hour. But what did Chuck Norris do besides simply lend his name to his karate-school business partner's half. [lien] [EN]

If Chuck Norris Were Elected Vice President …

Chuck Norris once wrote a column If I am elected president, in which he listed things he will do in the Oval Office. Well, it seems that he won’t get that chance to be president, but the race on vice presidency is still wide open … so here are the things Chuck Norris would do [...] [lien] [EN]

Chuck Norris says LA in 5

Ok… this is my piece in response to Celtic fan Rob’s ‘Celtics in White Hats’… Just the other day, my *cough-cough* learned *cough-cough* basketball-fan-colleague Rob stated: “The Eternal Battle of Good and Evil… Otherwise known as the Celtics and Lakers go at it again! In case you hadn't guessed, I'm dressing the Celtics in the white hero hats…” If that’s the analogy you wish to pursue, fine. I guess that puts the Lakers in black. Just a guess, but my Chuck Norris trumps your George McFly. And then some. Aaaaanyway, after that cold bucket of water on “white-vs-black-stereotypes”, let’s explore the points presented in the last bout of fantasy. 1. More options Umm… huh? anytime you have to list Kendrick Perkins in your list of ‘more options’. [lien] [EN]

Pirates vs Ninjas Dodgeball honors Chuck Norris

Filed under: News, Xbox Live Arcade It goes without saying, really. We all honor Chuck Norris in our own way, seeing as not honoring him is rewarded with a quick and painful death. Still, the developers of Pirates vs Ninjas Dodgeball have seen fit to include a Chuck Norris based achievement in the upcoming XBLA title. Entitled "Chuck Rules!" the achievement is unlocked by beating the Ninjas Story Mode. Frankly, we're a little puzzled as to why the achievement is named after Norris, as he himself is not a ninja, though we expect he has killed his fair share of ninjas. That said, we've learned not to question Chuck Norris -- or the things related to him -- so we'll just leave it at that. Hit the source link for the full list of Pirates vs Ninjas Dodgeball achievements. [lien] [EN]

Super Chuck Norris Bros. — Wait, This is *Real*? [Chuck Norris Doesn't Need Mushrooms]

This is is a story in two parts. The first is how insanely hilarious is that video above. Every time I think of Chuck Norris, I think of Joe Bob Briggs and his tour de force review of Delta Force 2, and that game above deserves its own Joe Bob-style rundown: No breasts. No blood. No mushrooms. One hundred and four dead bodies. Shotgun fu. Chainsaw fu. Flamethrower fu. Shotgunned Koopa. Smoldering Koopa. Flying Goomba. Flattened Goomba. Exploding Flag. Exploding Castle. Exploding coin box. Exploding bricks. Exploding start screen. Gratuitous defoliation. Gratuitous dialog boxes. Drive-In Academy Award nominations for visual effects for loss of entire raster lines due to overwhelming awesome violence. Four stars. Kotaku says check it out. I ran this by my Dad, also a Joe Bob fan. [lien] [EN]

China Anti-Terrorist Plan Includes Flamethrowers, Segways, Chuck Norris Clones [Chuck Norris]

Great Wall 5 is the codename for China's Summer Olympics anti-terrorist operations. They say they will use "police forces, the People's Armed Police, the People's Liberation Army and the health, environmental protection, meteorology and transportation departments," but I can also see flamethrowers, SWATs on Segways, anti-aircraft missiles, emergency response teams with sawing machines, and thousands of cloned Chuck Norris. galleryPost('chinaterrorism2', 3, ''); Yes, cloned Chuck Norris. Quite frankly, more than antiterrorists, they seem to be training to beat the pants out of a whole lot of demonstrators. [Boston Globe] [lien] [EN]

The Chief Export of Chuck Norris is Pain in New Video [Chuck Norris Bring On The Pain]

This morning Crecente told you about the new Chuck Norris: Bring on the Pain cell phone game from Gameloft. Guess what? We got a video of it! In it we get to see all of the sheer terror Walker wreaks on the poor unsuspecting bad guys. Remember if you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, then you may be only seconds away from death. Just a note guys, the video doesn't have any sound, but it doesn't need any. You get to make all of the bone crunching round house kick noises yourself. [lien] [EN]

Chuck Norris Brings the Pain... To Cell Phones [Chuck Norris Bring On The Pain]

FACT: When playing this game, your phone automatically puts 911 on speed dial. This Chuck Norris box art could be so bad-ass that it actually off-sets the fact that Chuck Norris Bring On the Pain is coming to a cell phone. Oh, did I mention that the chief bad guys are Fidel Castro and Kim Jong-il? That's right you better go out and buy a replacement phone now, because this one is going to KILL your current phone. According to Gameloft, the game has Norris taking on a rogue Soviet army in an attempt to save POWs from Cambodia. Next he has to save America from invasion. That's right, it makes no sense, but that's how Norris rolls. Gameloft calls the game a "hilarious dive into the life of the legend - martial arts action, denimclad justice, and going commando!" And by hilarious I'm sure Gameloft means kick. [lien] [EN]

Buy this Camera or Chuck Norris Will Beat Up Your Family [Digital Cameras]

What do you do when you want to show that your phone is tough? If you're Rollei, you put a picture of Chuck Norris on the front. That's right, a camera with Chuck Norris in fighting stance on the front. One of the features of this camera is that instead of smiling, all of your subjects will have looks of fear and intimidation on their faces. [TechFever via The Raw Feed] [lien] [EN]